tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56946984260025227982024-03-13T14:26:42.065-07:00Paul Iorio's "Choosing My Religion" (1994).Paul Ioriohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08705568747562061407noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694698426002522798.post-59091201133971244702010-02-02T07:54:00.001-08:002010-02-03T12:05:49.424-08:00<span style="color:#000099;">Here is "Choosing My Religion," a humorous non-fiction</span> feature<br /><br />that I wrote and reported for Details magazine, which published<br /><br />it in its October 1994 issue.<br /><br /><br /><br />Of all the almost innumerable features and news stories<br /><br />I've written for magazines and newspapers over the decades,<br /><br />this is one of my favorite pieces. <br /><br /><br /><br />It's also a good example of what happens when a publication<br /><br />lets me do a story my way, without editorial interference.<br /><br />Details should be applauded for 'getting-the-joke'<br /><br />when I brought them the idea and not messing (much) with the<br /><br />final version that I wrote and reported. (Yes, I did go<br /><br />through the final manuscipt line-by-line with a terrific editor,<br /><br />but the editor was mostly fact-checking and verifying; what I<br /><br />wrote remained unchanged (except for maybe five or six words)<br /><br />and completely unchanged structurally.<br /><br /><br /><br />Truth be told, there was one bad note in the published<br /><br />version: at the last minute, an editor (without telling<br /><br />me) shifted it from the past tense to the present<br /><br />progressive tense (e.g., from "I visited the synagogue..." to<br /><br />"I visit the synagogue..."). Not a good idea, in my opinion.<br /><br /><br /><br />And that's why I'm presenting my source file here (i.e.,<br /><br />the story I wrote, before the edit), which I think works<br /><br />much better.<br /><br /><div align="left"><br /><br />So here it is, the story of how I converted to all the world's<br /><br />great (and not-so-great) religions: </div><div align="center"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;color:#000099;"><strong>Choosing My Religion</strong></span><br /><br /><strong><em>Converting to the World's Great (And Not-So-Great) Religions -- All of Them<br /></em></strong><br />By Paul Iorio<br /></div><br />If everything were to go wrong, it's somewhat comforting to know<br /><br />organized religion would take you in -- no matter who you are or what you've<br /><br />done or what you really believe.<br /><br /><br /><br />But first you must convert. What religion is best for you? Which one<br /><br />offers a sensible plan for eternity, no-fault redemption, praying that gets<br /><br />results, easy admission to heaven, and a moral contract that's non-binding?<br /><br />To answer these questions, I set out one morning to convert to the world's<br /><br />great (and not-so-great) religions. Within hours, I grew certain of only one<br /><br />thing: becoming holy was not the best way to expand my sexual options,<br /><br />since many faiths prohibit even the most mundane erotic activities. Islam, for<br /><br />example, forbids masturbation.<br /><br /><br /><br />"It's a sin," says Abdul Hai of the Islamic Center in Chicago.<br /><br /><br /><br />"You can't even masturbate with your wife?," I ask.<br /><br /><br /><br />"How come you do masturbating with your wife?," says Hai.<br /><br /><br />"Mutual masturbation -- that would be okay, right?," I ask.<br /><br /><br />"I don't think so," says Hai.<br /><br /><br />So for those sometimes feel sex is too private to do in front of<br /><br />another person, Islam is clearly not the way to go.<br /><br /><br />Muslims also bar lechery. "Even if you gaze at the face of a woman out of<br /><br />lust, it is forbidden," says Muhammed Salem Agwa, an imam at the Islamic<br /><br />Cultural Center in New York. (Sunnis and Shiites largely agree on such<br /><br />lifestyle issues.)<br /><br /><br />I then tried the Mormons. First thing I found was they take marriage very<br /><br />seriously. Not only do they nix sex before marriage, they believe in marriage<br /><br />after death. This, of course, raises the question of whether one can file for<br /><br />divorce in eternity.<br /><br /><br /><br />"As far as getting a divorce in the eternities, I don't think so," says an<br /><br />elder of the Church of Latter-Day Saints. "If you lasted until the eternities<br /><br />with your marriage, it's pretty much going to last forever."<br /><br /><br /><br />"But if you do get a divorce in eternity, do you split the soul 50:50?," I<br /><br />ask.<br /><br /><br />"Good question," he says. "I never thought of that. I'll have to think about<br /><br />it."<br /><br /><br />Judaism actually regulates the penis itself; circumcision is recommended<br /><br />for converts. (For the uninitiated, adult circumcision is usually performed<br /><br />under a local anesthetic and requires several stitches you know where.)<br /><br /><br /><br />Next, I checked out the best ways of getting to heaven. For<br /><br />Catholics, I found the password to heaven is a simple, "I'm sorry." Evidently,<br /><br />the deal for Catholics is this: Commit any sin during the week, confess on<br /><br />Sunday, and you're pardoned, no matter what the offense.<br /><br />Catholics can even envision forgiveness for Adolf Hitler. "If at the end,<br /><br />Hitler had been truly sorry for the things he had done, then the possibility of<br /><br />forgiveness is there in a theoretical sense," says Father Kevin Madigan of the<br /><br />Blessed Sacrament Church in Manhattan.<br /><br /><br /><br />"Is there any point of evil beyond which you say, 'No amount of<br /><br />repentance will redeem you?,'" I ask.<br /><br /><br /><br />"No," says Father Madigan.<br /><br /><br /><br />Catholics aren't the only ones with a loose forgiveness policy. Listen to<br /><br />Pentecostal pastor Donald Lee of the Healing Stream Deliverance Church in<br /><br />New York: "One of the people we're affiliated with is Son of Sam," he says,<br /><br />sounding a bit like Dan Aykroyd's E. Buzz Miller character on the original<br /><br />"Saturday Night Live." "We've prayed with him a number of times, and he's<br /><br />really strong now in the Lord."<br /><br /><br />"That seems way over the top," I say. "If Son of Sam doesn't go to hell,<br /><br />then who does?"<br /><br /><br />"He doesn't go to hell because he's totally repented. In this case, he really<br /><br />meant business with God," says Lee.<br /><br /><br />"What sins won't you excuse?," I ask.<br /><br /><br />"When you experience the power of God and then you blaspheme it, you<br /><br />mock it," Lee explains.<br /><br /><br />Other religions have their own quirky, irredeemable acts. What sin do<br /><br />Lutherans consider unforgivable?<br /><br /><br />"To die in unbelief," says Dale Hansen, the pastor at St. Luke's Lutheran<br /><br />Church in Manhattan.<br /><br /><br />"But then if I believe before I die, I'm forgiven my previous unbelief?," I<br /><br />ask.<br /><br /><br />"That's right," says Hansen.<br /><br /><br />With this much forgiveness going around, heaven must be mighty<br /><br />crowded, right? Not according to Jehovah's Witnesses, who claim heaven<br /><br />has a tight guest list of exactly 144,000. Apparently, admission depends on<br /><br />who you know. Each apostle gets to bring along 12,000 guests, says Elder<br /><br />Eugene Dykes of Kingdom Hall in Columbia, South Carolina.<br /><br /><br /><br />Despite stiff competition for admission to heaven, one can still have a shot<br /><br />by following as many religious rules as possible. Among them are the Ten<br /><br />Commandments, which raise complex ethical questions. For instance, would<br /><br />I be considered unholy if I break the First Commandment by believing Al<br /><br />Green is God?<br /><br /><br />"Oh, no, no, no," says Adriano Hernandez of the Broadway Seventh-Day<br /><br />Adventist Church in Manhattan.<br /><br /><br />"Al Green is a great guy, but he's not the supreme being of the universe,"<br /><br />notes Glenn Evans of the Singles' Ministry of the First Baptist Church of<br /><br />Dallas, Texas.<br /><br /><br />"Believing Al Green is God means you're going to become a total servant<br /><br />of Al Green," says Father Madigan, "and whenever he calls you on the phone<br /><br />and wants you to do something, you're going to do that. I don't understand<br /><br />how you can worship Al Green as a god."<br /><br /><br />"I think you're pulling my leg here," says the very smart Leslie Merlin of<br /><br />Brick Presbyterian Church in New York.<br /><br /><br />If the Ten Commandments are strict, just think of Judaism, with its<br /><br />additional 613 commandments. How do you know if you're violating, say,<br /><br />commandment 537? "It's hard," admits Rabbi Jacob Spiegel of the First<br /><br />Roumanian American Congregation. "We don't expect you to."<br /><br />Most orders of Judaism don't expect adherence to their dietary laws. One<br /><br />commandment forbids Jews to consume meat and any milk product at the<br /><br />same meal, which rules out something as innocent as coffee with milk after a<br /><br />burger. But Rabbi Simcha Weinberg of the Lincoln Square Synagogue slyly<br /><br />reveals a loophole: "You could have the coffee first."<br /><br /><br /><br />Islam's food restrictions are so strict it's a wonder someone hasn't<br /><br />marketed them as a diet plan yet. Among the regulations, most devotees must<br /><br />fast from dawn to dusk for one month a year. Does that mean not even a Slim<br /><br />Fast or a megavitamin? "You cannot even take a drop of water once you start<br /><br />fasting," Abdul Hai says sternly.<br /><br /><br />Praying is a good way to get your side of the story across to God. And<br /><br /><br />God reportedly understands every prayer in every tongue -- including<br /><br />tongues.<br /><br /><br />Pastor Donald Lee demonstrates his fluency in tongues: "When the spirit<br /><br />comes into you, you'll be speaking in tongues -- cora ba shinda da ba sa --<br /><br />like that. Like right now -- kara sheek a ra da ba da sheev ba ra sa. When I<br /><br />pray in tongues -- cora da shotta -- it gives the Holy Spirit a chance to dig<br /><br />deep."<br /><br /><br />But don't try imitating Pastor Lee, which of course I know you're dying to<br /><br />do. "You could imitate me, but it wouldn't be by the Holy Spirit," he says.<br /><br />"It would just be mechanical."<br /><br /><br />Islam requires Muslims to take comfort in prayer five times a day and to<br /><br />turn toward Mecca when doing so. "Suppose I turn toward San Francisco," I<br /><br />say. "Does that negate my prayer?"<br /><br /><br />"You can have a compass and you keep it with you," responds<br /><br />Muhammed Salem Agwa.<br /><br /><br />Because I didn't have my compass with me, I decided to try another<br /><br />religion. What about Christian Science? At the very least, it's a super way to<br /><br />save on healthcare. I checked out a service in Greenwich Village.<br /><br /><br />The congregation, looking like people who wash their hair with bar soap,<br /><br />sings Hymn 31, a four-four ditty with catchy lyrics like: "What chased the<br /><br />clouds away? Twas love, whose finger traced aloud a bow of promise on the<br /><br />cloud."<br /><br /><br />Then it's open-mike time at the church, and a Christian Scientist with a<br /><br />comb-over shaped like a gerrymandered congressional district says, "I have a<br /><br />healing to share." Though the Scientists believe faith can cure any ailment,<br /><br />this service was causing me sudden nausea. I left for the Hare Krishna house<br /><br />on Second Avenue.<br /><br /><br />Approaching the Krishna center, I expected a lot of shaved heads and<br /><br />chanters in neon orange robes. Instead, I found an almost irreverent<br /><br />get-together of twentysomethings vaguely resembling Billy Bragg and<br /><br />Sinead O'Connor.<br /><br /><br />I investigated the Krishnas further. Which Vishnu god gives me the best<br /><br />return on my worship? "Kirshna," says Akunthita Dasi of the International<br /><br />Society for Krishna Consciousness in Chicago.<br /><br /><br />Must my cremated ashes be scattered on the Ganges River, or will the<br /><br />Hackensack or Potomac do? "We just throw ashes in the lake here," says<br /><br />Chakra Pani of the Temple of Understanding near Limestone, West Virginia.<br /><br />Seeking something more earthly, I tried an Orthodox Jewish Minchah<br /><br />service at Congregation Talmud Torah Adereth El in Manhattan. In a tight<br /><br />basement with bars on the windows, men wearing hats turned the pages of<br /><br />the Torah backward and spoke Yiddish in an emphatic fast-motion ritual. I made<br /><br />a contribution and quickly left.<br /><br /><br />Equally daunting was a Catholic Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral in New<br /><br />York. Inside, worshipers repeated "I shall not fear" as a cop patrolled the<br /><br />north aisle and an usher prodded me with a long-armed collection basket.<br /><br /><br />Then everybody shook hands with one another on cue and filed out to the<br /><br />sound of a barely audible organ.<br /><br /><br />A nearby Buddhist meditation service was a breath of fresh incense -- at<br /><br />first. But then someone told me I was meditating incorrectly and needed<br /><br />formal instruction. (In Zenspeak, I didn't know what I wasn't doing.)<br /><br /><br />My head was spinning in a spiritual vortex. I wondered: could I<br /><br />simultaneously shave my head, get circumcised, genuflect, speak in tongues,<br /><br />pray with a compass, and stop masturbating? It may be worth trying. It<br /><br />would certainly improve my chances of getting to heaven.<br /><br /><br /><em>[From Details magazine, October 1994; this is the way I originally write it.]</em><br /><br />-------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br /><br />So there's the story! It went to generate letters to the editor<br /><br />(like the one below) from readers who enjoyed it:<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_XMXWvqNY2Kc/Rre-qAiGoDI/AAAAAAAAAMo/XYLtd1eeQ-w/s1600-h/scandetailsmag.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; DISPLAY: block; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5095751132299829298" border="0" alt="" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_XMXWvqNY2Kc/Rre-qAiGoDI/AAAAAAAAAMo/XYLtd1eeQ-w/s400/scandetailsmag.jpg" /></a><br /><br />------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Just to give you an idea of how I created this feature: <br /><br />here is but one page (below) of several that itemize 32 pages <br /><br />of phone calls I made in conducting interviews for "Choosing My <br /><br />Religion." I interviewed hundreds of sources and attended <br /><br />dozens of religious services for this piece. <br /><br /><a href="http://bp2.blogger.com/_XMXWvqNY2Kc/RszMw8nZEfI/AAAAAAAAAiQ/3L4xYfqnO8E/s1600-h/scanreligionexpenses.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; DISPLAY: block; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5101677619181064690" border="0" alt="" src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_XMXWvqNY2Kc/RszMw8nZEfI/AAAAAAAAAiQ/3L4xYfqnO8E/s400/scanreligionexpenses.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />__________________________________________________________Paul Ioriohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08705568747562061407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5694698426002522798.post-29202292045333504932010-02-02T07:54:00.000-08:002010-02-02T07:56:32.390-08:00bbbbPaul Ioriohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08705568747562061407noreply@blogger.com0